Being with Joe has really put a lot into perspective for me. As much as I�hate how things happened and as much as I�know they shouldnapos;t have happened the way they did... I donapos;t hate him. Heapos;s not the only one who fucked up, thatapos;s for sure. Hating him would be hypocritical and very stupid of me. It not only made me question serious relationships, but what I�want from life in general. Iapos;m not sure I ever even want to get married one day. Not that I�look down on it, itapos;s absolutely nothing like that. I�just know that, especially right now and because of how young I�am, because I still have a lot to experience in order to find out what it is that I�do want... Trying to be so serious in a relationship seems ridiculous at this point in time. How can I�possibly give all of myself to anyone when I�donapos;t even know, fully, who I am yet? Iapos;m not even on my feet. I still need to go back to school. Shit, I�still need to figure out what I�want to go back to school for. I need to focus on getting out of debt.�I need to focus on getting healthy.�I have to worry about me before I�can be there for anyone else. And, you know... Maybe itapos;s the same for Joe. Or maybe not. I�canapos;t really say.�All I�know is that hating him would make me very uncomfortable, deep down, and Iapos;m just not capable of it. Iapos;m not saying itapos;s impossible, in certain relationships, to be able to place the blame somewhere... But I donapos;t think itapos;s right for this one. Am I�saying I�still want to know him? No, not necessarily. We donapos;t work. Even when we tried to be friends, we kinda failed miserably at it. Am I saying that if I saw him somewhere Iapos;d glare at him or completely ignore him? No. Right now Iapos;m pretty much to the point where I�just want to live and let live. It still hurts, definitely. You canapos;t be with someone for that long, invest a lot of yourself into them and try constantly to make it work, without feeling some sadness when it ends. And Iapos;m sure that maybe tomorrow or the next day, or maybe a week from now, I might not feel so good about it. Iapos;m sure there will be times when I either break down, or come close to breaking down again. But itapos;s normal... Iapos;m grieving over the death of something. Right now though, Iapos;m just realizing that from the ashes, things can rise.
I think, once I�have my tonsils taken out and I�get the other things taken care of that I�need to be seen for, Iapos;m going back to school. Regardless of how much debt I�have left to pay... Iapos;m going back. I might take a vacation first, though. One thatapos;s really worth it to me. One that Iapos;ll be more than okay spending most of my savings on. apos;Cause, you know... Why not? :)
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